Drunken AWOL soldier kills five

A Colombian soldier went absent without leave, got drunk, and threw a grenade into a street party, killing five people, including a seven year old boy, according to military and civilian authorities.

The soldier went absent without leave from his base in the southwestern province of Huila and got drunk in the town of El Jardin before detonating the grenade, said an official at the nearby municipality of San Jose de Isnos.

Five people were killed and eight injured in the incident, the official said.

The army arrested the soldier and began a criminal investigation under military law, an army spokesman said. — The Australian

Everyone knows that alcohol makes you stupid. Mix in some grenades, and you have a recipe for disaster.

College freshman breaks iron over roommate’s head

On the first day of classes at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio, Sharronda Barkley, 18, beat her roommate, Heather Haase, 18, over the head with a hot clothes iron, breaking the iron into pieces and causing a skull fracture.

The 18-year-old victim told authorities her roommate attacked her following their first day of classes after accusing her of putting a hidden camera in their room.

Heather Haase suffered a skull fracture, bruises, cuts and a burn on her arm in the early morning attack on Tuesday, university police said.

Her roommate, Sharronda Barkley, also 18, told officers Haase injured herself when she fell out of bed and hit the iron, according to a police report. Barkley was being held on $25,000 bond Thursday. A judge ordered her not to return to Bowling Green State University or have contact with Haase. — Associated Press

If there was a hidden camera, try finding it before accusing your roommate of something. Sharronda Barkley, you are today’s Stupid Person of the Day.

Armed robber was a Stormtrooper

I’m afraid that police don’t generally release the names of people who make 911 calls, so I don’t know who to blame for this.

Last weekend, the Ramada Inn in Janesville, Wis., held a Star Wars convention. As you can imagine, people showed up in full costume for the event.

One of the vendors came fully dressed as a Stormtrooper.

Police responded to an armed robbery call at the hotel from today’s Stupid Person of the Day, who obviously missed the big sign out front about the convention, but who can hardly be forgiven for missing everyone else in the hotel in Star Wars dress.

The alleged suspect was dressed as a Stormtrooper, a soldier for the Galactic Empire in the science fiction movie series “Star Wars.’

“Apparently some people who saw him felt there was a threat,’ said Sgt. Kay Nikolaus of the Janesville Police Department.

The Stormtrooper was really a vendor participating in the weekend convention, held annually at the Ramada Inn, said Joann Lewandowski, who lives with event organizer Ray Norton. — Janesville Gazette

Next time you see Stormtroopers at a Star Wars convention, call Luke Skywalker, not the police.

Laptop thief caught on CCTV sentenced

Michael Adams was sentenced today with a 12 month community order after being caught on eight CCTV cameras stealing a laptop from CCTV Surveillance Solutions in Dale Street, Manchester, on 13 August.

Adams, of Marcer Road, Miles Platting, and known to his friends as Mr Stupid, admitted stealing a laptop worth £650 before Manchester magistrates. . . .

He was also given a six-month drug rehabilitation order and was ordered to pay compensation of £650 to the shop owner and £70 towards court costs. — BBC News

The owner of the CCTV store said the theft last week had been good for business, giving the store the kind of publicity that he could have never dreamed of.

[Editor’s Note: Mr Stupid is indeed today’s Stupid Person of the Day. Steal from a CCTV shop and not expect to have your face on camera?]

Obese woman files complaint over doctor’s weight loss advice

Today’s Stupid Person of the Day hasn’t died yet, but she’s well on her way.

The woman, who was not named in news reports, filed a complaint with the New Hampshire Attorney General when her doctor, Dr. Terry Bennett of Rochester, urged her to lose weight.

“It’s an epidemic in the United States, and it’s croaking us,’ Bennett said.

Bennett said that it’s a lecture he gives to many of his overweight patients.

“It’s your weight, … and there’s dozens of programs,’ Bennett said. “You don’t have to come in here. You can join Jenny Craig. You can go see Weight Watchers.’

Bennett said he tells obese patients that their weight is bad for their health and their love lives. But the lecture drove one patient to write a letter to the Board of Medicine, which has passed on the complaint to the Attorney General’s Office.

“Did I sleep with somebody? Did I give somebody drugs? Was I careless? No. End of story,’ Bennett said. “That should have been the end of it.’ — NewsNet5.com

Bennett apologized on local TV for offending the woman. Which perhaps puts him in the stupid category, too.

Florida Marlins suspend batboy for drinking milk

It’s Stupid Sports Team of the Day today, I think.

On a dare, a Florida Marlins batboy tried to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing up. But not only did the batboy not succeed in the challenge, his mere attempt cost him his job for six games, the Miami Herald reported Wednesday.

The Marlins suspended the unidentified batboy for the team’s upcoming six-game homestand against the Cardinals and Mets from Aug. 28 through Sept. 4 for accepting the dare Sunday from Dodgers pitcher (and former Marlin) Brad Penny. . . .

“It’s kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk,’ Penny told the Herald. — ESPN

Oh, by the way, you can’t drink a gallon (3.79L) of milk in an hour without throwing up.

Reality TV Consulting

You’ve always wanted to be on reality TV. You sent applications to TV networks, but never got accepted. You just have to get on TV and make a fool of yourself, but you haven’t gotten any acceptance letter from Big Brother yet. What is a Middle America Television Slave Zombie to do?

Hire a consultant to get you on TV. That’s right, pay money to make yourself look like an idiot! Woohoo!

There is a new site that, for $25 a year, will try to get you on TV. Just jot down all your exotic qualities (TV likes people who have nipple piercings) and a bunch of execs will comb through the database of applicants for the right kind of idiots. You know, one black guy, one jew, and twenty blonde retards. Then they’ll contact you and get you on TV. Nothing could be easier!

Millions of Americans apply every year to be on Reality Television for personal fulfillment, to find love, change careers, or simply to experience a once in a lifetime opportunity. RTVStar.com provides you with the most simple, yet sophisticated, way to pursue your RTV dream.

HA! How very sad. Today’s stupid people are the losers paying to get on reality TV.

[Editor’s note: Cross-posted by original author.]

Burglars fingered by SatNav

There has been talk in recent years of the UK implementing a satellite tracking system for road users to catch speeding criminals. As a precursor to this a hapless pair of criminals have shown how effective satellite tracking systems can be.

The pair of would-be master criminals drove round in a SatNav equipped car robbing houses only to be snitched on by the SatNav system. It had recorded the locations they had visited and provided ample evidence to place them at the scene of crime!

Ian Bansie, 33, used his work’s motor to ferry 31-year-old accomplice Steve Warrington to ten homes in Reigate, Surrey, completely unaware that the satellite navigation system was dutifully keeping a record of their crime spree. –The Register

[Editor’s note: These two definitely qualify as Stupid People of the Day.]

Canadian identity thief exposed himself to arrest

Donald Thomas Sloan, 49, was removed from an Amtrak train and arrested Friday in Elyria, Ohio, after being caught looking through other passengers’ luggage and exposing himself.

Now this sort of thing happens all the time, but the interesting part is what Sloan had on him at the time. He was carrying several identification cards, passports and social security cards from Canada, the U.S. and Mexico, along with several thousand dollars in U.S. and Canadian cash and a five ounce gold bar.

That’s right, this apparent identity thief got caught by being stupid. Here’s a hint to all you criminals out there. Take a lesson from today’s Stupid Person of the Day and behave yourself!

Sloan will be arraigned Monday.

More information may be available from the Associated Press.

Court orders teenager to drink, act threatening

Thanks to a misprint on an anti-social behaviour order, an Alnwick, Northumberland, U.K., teenager was ordered to drink in public and to act in a threatening manner.

Angered by his unruly, boozed-up behaviour, police had hoped magistrates would punish the youth for breaching his Asbo. He hadn’t.

Closer examination revealed that he had mistakenly been ordered not to be in public “without’ alcohol and that he was also duty bound to act in a threatening manner likely to cause harassment, alarm and distress to others.

After the boy escaped punishment as a result of the misprint, the officials behind the mistake were asked to deliver a new Asbo with more appropriate wording, the Daily Mirror reported. — BBC Magazine

Usually, such orders are intended to restrain people from committing anti-social behavior, not to require it. (Via Hit and Run.)